ACID MEMORIES

 

Memories down deep inside of me,

laying fermented, waiting, wanting to come to the surface.

Boiling, bubbling, like an acid threatening to explode,

eating away at my soul.

Foul worm-like substances creeping, and crawling

 it's way into the ebbs of my mind.

Pop! Pop! Pop! Acid bubble pop!

Giving me jagged fragments of my past,

The horrors that were kept silent.

Dark, dank embers, fire-like, demon-like sparks

that threaten to burn me, hurt me, make me feel the pain, the fear.

Reliving once again the past that I blocked out in order to survive.

The same past that the little girl inside me

lived through with resounding strength and courage.

So much for such a little girl to carry the heavy load alone.

I will rely on that little girl so brave and unbroken

to lend me the strength and the courage I will need

to face the acid memories, to face the fear that I feel

when I look into the faces of the ghosts of my past.

The little girl lived it, I only have to face the memories.

Somehow she survived, as I will now.

 

PolarB ;)

Little Girl Wishes

 

Most little girls wish

For pretty new things.

Nicely wrapped presents,

Maybe a baby doll in a swing.

 

A lot of little girls wish

They could reach up and touch the stars,

They wish for frilly dresses,

Or perhaps a Barbie doll car.

 

They wish for the Easter bunny

To visit each year,

The Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause

To bring them holiday cheer.

 

Some little girls wish

Storybook tales could come true,

A handsome prince in a castle,

Or chase butterflies with Winnie The Pooh.

 

Maybe some little girls wish

For a colorful bouncing ball,

But none of those things

Mattered to me at all.

 

When I was a little girl,

I wished for things I never received.

I tried to be hopeful,

I tried to believe.

 

My wishes were different,

They were not about toys,

They were not nice and happy,

They were not about boys.

 

Basically, for me,

They were just simple requests

That I wished would come true,

I just hoped for the best.

 

I wished that my mommy

Had not ran away,

Because I needed her love,

I wanted her to stay.

 

I wished that my father

Could act like a real dad.

Stop touching me all the time,

Because it makes me feel bad.

 

I wished and I hoped

For a normal family.

I wanted to do little girl things

Be able to laugh and play carefree.

 

I wanted to have a stable

Safe happy home.

I wished that I didn’t

Feel so all alone.

 

I wanted my Daddy

To stop raping me.

Why is it that nobody

Could stop it or see?

 

These were the things I wanted

But they were never to be spoken,

My little girl dreams

Were all but broken.

 

But now that I’ve grown up

I can safely say,

I don’t have to be afraid anymore,

I don’t have to live that way.

 

My life is what I make it,

I can make my own dreams come true,

I don’t need those little girl wishes,

I don’t have to feel alone or blue.

 

I can never go back

And relive my childhood again,

But now I can make changes

And try to begin

 

To heal the pain

Of growing up so abused.

I don’t have to be hurt again,

I don’t have to feel used.

 

I’m worthy of real love,

No abuse anymore!

The little girl in me has grown up

I feel we’ve been through a long war.

 

My little girl is safe now,

And she’s protected and free

To make new little girl wishes

That are granted by me.

 

 

PolarB ;)

 

 

 

Free Yourself

Are you holding onto the past?

Are you holding onto the pain?

Child, free yourself, let go of it all.

Free yourself of the sadness,

Free yourself of the pain,

Free yourself of your fears,

Look what you have to gain.

Child, free yourself.

Take down those walls you've built around you,

Take down the guarded cage,

Be free to be yourself,

Let go of the sorrow and the rage.

Child, just free yourself, free yourself...

Put a window in your heart

for all the world to see,

Let all your dreams come true

of who you want to be.

Child, free yourself

and be who you want to be.

 

PolarB ;)

Where is the Child?

 

Where is the child who has lost her way

into the pages of the world today?

Forgotten, abused, neglected, unwanted.

She's out there all alone,

scraping, scrimping, barely getting by,

but somehow, surviving everything

that's been thrown in her way.

She's strong and courageous,

although she doesn't know it,

doesn't feel it...

It's hard to trust anything, anyone,

even her own self, for at times

she's so confused about many things.

Is it any wonder?

Those who said they loved her, did not.

Those who said they would protect her, did not.

Those who said you can trust me, she couldn't.

Those who said they would not hurt her, did.

Her childhood, a farce.

So she's running, running, running

for her life, her livelihood, and for her very soul

seeking something, seeking happiness.

Her childhood is gone now,

disappearing into the days of yesterday.

Lost, hidden, buried,

but still searching and hoping

to find what she's looking for.

Where is the child?

 

PolarB ;)

Changes

 

Falling leaves drop to the ground,

golden embers of glowing red, orange and yellows.

The winds of change blow gently

carrying each separate leaf away from the trees.

Plucked from the branches, it's root of life,

carried away only to dry and crumble to dust

in the cold winds that swirl around.

The changing of the seasons, they say...

The fallen autumn leaves like my past,

crumpled forgotten dust drifting through

the winds that blow through my mind.

Cold, hibernated, hidden in a harsh bitter world

as I struggle to hold myself together

through the painful journey of my recovery,

trying to reclaim the very essense of myself...

 

Changes again...

a different change,

not cold, not bitter, not sad,

but warm and comforting

like a well worn soft blanket

wrapped around your soul.

The sun comes out from behind the clouds

to shine it's brightness upon everything,

dissipating the darkness, the hurt, the pain.

New buds appear on the trees,

flowers sprout up out of the earth

to peep at their surroundings,

fresh grass growth covers the ground.

A rebirth of sorts...

Changes bringing forth new life,

new hopes, new dreams.

A change for the better

Changing me...

 

PolarB ;)